Interview with Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A.

Author of "First Aid For Jewish Marriages"

Why did you write “First Aid For Jewish Marriages”?

I wrote first-aid for Jewish marriages because I was concerned about growing rate of divorce and the Orthodox Jewish community. You know 20-30 years ago, divorce was an unheard word in the Orthodox community. Now almost every day I hear a story about someone getting divorced. And it's not just about people I don't know if someone in Shoal with someone unity and even be somebody as close as a cousin.

So why do you think people are getting divorced at an increasing rate?

To be given with the national divorce rate is above 50%. These are alarming statistics. This means that one in two couples are getting divorced in America today. Of course the numbers in the Frum community are much lower. However, this doesn't mean that we are not affected by the national trends. Just look at the teens at risk issue that blew up about 15 years ago. Why did that happen then? And, why is divorce speeding up now? I think the answer is at the Frum community is approximately a generation behind American society. When we spot a trend happening out there, look out, it's possible that it creeps up and we will begin to see here in.

I believe that the number one reason why people get divorced is the lack of commitment. In First Aid For Jewish Marriages, I quote a Utah study that asked divorced couples and why their marriages ended. 87% of the participants answered “lack of commitment" as the number one reason they got divorced. That statistic is astonishing. One would think that other factors are causing divorce like too much conflict and arguing getting in the way, financial problems and so on. However the findings revealed that Utahans who experienced divorce perceive that a lack of commitment was the number one factor contributing to their divorce.

There are several reasons why people are having trouble staying committed to their relationships. One reason I believe is what I call "hyper individualism" that is rampant in our society. We're living in a time where we have too many choices. Affluence has not created the kind of happiness that breeds healthy relationships. It's part of our "throwaway culture" where objects and people are disposed if they don't meet our immediate needs.

Another reason is the Internet. Within a few years the Internet has changed not only the way we work and gather information, but also the way we think and feel. An entire generation has now been raised to get immediate answers on Google. Google takes about a 10th of a second to respond; people are much slower. We expect that we can Google our spouses to meet our every need. But they can't, they’re only human. Marriage is really about giving and being patient with one another. That's why the root of the word Ahavah is "hav," which means to give, not to take. So divorce is mainly based upon attitude towards commitment and is a topic that I address many times in First Aid For Jewish Marriages.

What are some of the practical things couples can do to improve their marriages?

Depending on the problem, I generally prescribed a strategy called the 4 C's. They are: Connection, Communication, reducing Control, and Conflict resolution. I believe that most problems can be traced to one of these four areas.

The first place to start is looking at your level of connection. I can give all kinds of techniques and strategies on how communicate better with one's spouse, but that is secondary to having a loving attitude during times when a couple is not in conflict. The question then becomes, what are couples doing when they are not fighting?

It's crucial to connect to one another and build the relationship with acts of caring and concern for one another. This can happen on two levels: First, couples need to learn about each other's inner worlds, their likes and dislikes, how they like to be cared for, the levels of self-esteem, unique points and how much control they need in their marriage.

The second level is spending quality time together. In today's demanding world it's very difficult to schedule time together. And even when couples go out, they spend countless minutes on their cell-phones or Blackberries. So I suggest that couples make weekly dates with themselves, turn off their phones, and go out and have a good time. And don't mean that they have to spend a lot of money going to expensive restaurants. What I do mean is that they need to start talking to one another they can do this by taking a walk, shopping together, or just spending a few moments alone a quiet area of the house.

During their quality time, the most important thing is to not rehash old arguments and difficulties. The goal is to focus on one another, share appreciations, new information and their hopes and dreams for the future. I guarantee that most couples who can do this at least once a week for an hour will have a better marriage. It will also give the overall positive affect that will reduce conflict and moderate harsher feelings from emerging during moments of stress.

What about communication?

Once you have the right attitude, communication is a next step to building your marriage. It can be broken down into two main components: listening and expressing your feelings in non-critical fashion. The first step is called active listening. This means that before you speak you listen attentively to your spouse’s words. Some couples have a tendency to try to problem solve when their spouse presents a problem, but it's best not to. Give them your full attention and don't interrupt them when they are speaking. Reflects off their words, mirror back to them what they’re saying. The goal is to validate their feelings and emotions and make them feel that they're exists somebody in their lives can turn to. Most importantly, stop trying to trouble-shoot for your spouse. Men have a tendency to do so when their wives are complaining. I counsel husband to validate their wife’s feelings and here the messages beyond their words.

The second step is learning howto use the right kind of words to explain what you want and how you feel. It means learning how to express yourself in a kind way without hurting the other person's feelings.

To make the job easier I created something called the “10 Commandments of Communication,” and they're very simple. On one tablet are the Thou Shalts, on the other tablet are the Thou Shalts Nots. The Thou Shalts are: complement, be compassionate, empathize, validate, nurture and listen. The Thou Shalts Nots are to not: insult, judge, blame, insinuate, and criticize. I asked couples to follow these commandments as much as they are careful to follow Halacha. They need to make a Cheshbon Nefesh to see how they are doing. I ask them to analyze their words and see if they are friendly compassionate, and understanding. Or, are they critical, aggressive, insulting, or belittling?

If the overall tone of your conversation is angry and critical then you are transgressing the Thou Shalt Nots. If you are using affirmative and encouraging words then you are fulfilling positive emotional "mitzvos" for one another. The most important dynamic is to maintain an inner message that says "I love you and care about you, and I want to deepen our relationship." When you begin with the right intention, you'll have a greater chance of using words that bring happiness in your marriage.

Over the last years the media has covered the issue of control and domestic abuse what's your opinion on the matter?

Well for one, as director of shalom task force, I can say unequivocally, that domestic abuse exists in the Jewish community. It's a sad fact, but abusive behavior exists throughout all cultures and races and religion.

Domestic abuse however is at one end of the spectrum. There are many grey areas which all focus on the issue of control and controlling behavior. Rabbi Abraham Twersky M.D. wrote an en tire book on the topic called “Successful Relationships: At Home, and at Work, and with Friends: Bringing Control Issues Under Control. He explains that everyone may have the need to wield control, and that there are many relationships may indeed require control. Exceeding and acceptable amount of control invites trouble.

The point being that in every relationship there are various levels of control. Sometimes you see one spouse having more control over finances and other times you see someone making all decisions in terms of what their kids do during and after school. In either case, the most important thing to do is to not yield total control. Marriage is a partnership and both sides need to have input into critical family decisions. It's important to receive each other's influence and even if you make decisions by yourself to carefully think about what the other person wants and needs. The overall principle is that less control and more focus on the relationship equals a healthy marriage; more control and less focus on the relationship equals an unhealthy marriage. I counsel couples to reduce controlling behavior and strive for a greater sense of mutuality in the match.

How can couples resolve their conflicts?

This is an area where I spend most of my time helping couples in marriage counseling.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriages today in America, most couples have what he calls “perpetual conflicts.” That means that they argue about the same things over and over again.

There are two strategies to get over this. The first is to realize that people maintain various styles of negotiation. One style is called competitive and the attitude is win/lose. It's a zero sum game. They want have to be in control all the time and are always competing with a partner.

Another style is avoidance. This is usually adopted by people who have low self-esteem. They find it hard to assert themselves and tend to run away from their feelings and often get taken advantage of and relationships. They tend to maintain a lose/win attitude to survive.

The highest style of communication is compromising. This is done by making exchanges concessions and bargaining to come up with a compromise solution both parties agree to. There's no question that a compromising style creates a foundation for a successful marriage. Compromise means allowing for things to get in the way of your ideal daily life for the sake of relationship.

Here is where I spend a lot of time. I can spend several sessions working with couples to help them reduce their defenses, to see the other person's perspective and learn how to compromise. It's not always an easy thing to do but it's key to developing a happy and successful marriage.

What can community leaders and rabbis do to help marriages?

They can all play a major role in rectifying the problems today. Firstly, rabbis need to encourage young couples to take a pre-marriage relationship courses like a Shalom Workshop at www.shalomworkshop.org. It's a fantastic new program that teaches couples how to communicate express their feelings and resolve conflict peacefully.

The next step is for Rabbis to learn more about the inner dynamics of marriages. Don't forget, often rabbis are the first person someone turns to when they are in distress. Therefore they need to learn about the basic issues affecting marriage like control, communication, and relationship building. Not every issue necessitates speaking to a therapist. In my book, I explain to everyone, from therapists down to lay people, what are the keys to marriage. I also give practical advice on how to build successful marriages. Rabbis would benefit from learning about my techniques and incorporating them in their pastoral counseling with their constituents.

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Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A., is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

To schedule an appointment, please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

First Aid For Jewish Marriages

Pleasure vs. Happiness in Marriage

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By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A.


If you would like to know if your marriage is relationship centered or not, the way to find out is to ask yourself about your core values. For example, what is the most important principle of your marriage? Is it your desire for money or pleasure? Do you dream about being comfortable, being honored by your spouse and having a lot of fun?

Experience has shown that couples who place their relationship at the center of their lives have the greatest chance of sharing a successful marriage together. Unfortunately, our society has sold us a distorted image of marriage, which maintains that external factors such as money or comfort are the factors that make marriage work. Just think about how popular culture depicts the perfect couple, who have all the conveniences one could ever imagine. They have all the money, pleasure, and fun they could ever want, but are they happy? That’s the million dollar question.

I believe that there is no real way of telling how happy a marriage is, except for one factor: ask them how their relationship is doing. Afterwards, you’ll know if their happiness is real or illusive.

Although many people may choose core values such as wealth, pleasure and honor for their marriage, in the long run, experience has shown that these external values are temporal. Happiness in life has very little to do with externals, and those who focus on the external values often find their relationships unsettled, lacking direction, and without the strength to last a lifetime. In fact, over the years, I have witnessed many families who have little financial means, yet have the power of a healthy relationship. Against the conventional wisdom that money alone buys happiness, these families prove that success is dependent on other variables such as spiritual values, healthy attitudes, and high levels of emotional intelligence. Above all, they are dedicated to maintaining and nurturing the most important commodity in their lives, their relationship.

As a young yeshiva student, I learned a lesson about true happiness when I spent one of the most rewarding Shabboses in my life volunteering in an old age home in Sanhedria Murchevet, a small ultra-Orthodox community in Jerusalem. My predicament that weekend was that I wanted to spend Shabbos visiting the old age home, but didn’t have a place to stay. Thinking out of the box, and knowing I was in an ultra-orthodox community that was famous for its chesed and hachnosos orchim, I decided to take a chance by asking some elderly Chassidim, who frequented a small shopping mall in the neighborhood, if they would be kind enough to take me in as their guest for Shabbos. After waiting for about five minutes in front of the store, an elderly Chassid from the Viznitz community walked by with his younger daughter. In my broken and heavily American-accented Hebrew, I tried to explain to him where I volunteered and what I needed. Without blinking, the man said that he would be delighted to have me as his guest.

The elderly Chassid met me just before sunset at the local shul and brought me home to meet his wife and family. At first, when I walked into his home, I felt that I was entering one of Roman Vizniak’s scenes from pre-war Poland. Despite my initial discomfort at feeling out of place, my fears were quickly relieved when I was warmly welcomed and asked to bring my suitcase into the room I would be sleeping in. After arranging my clothes, I was served a pre-Shabbos treat: a hot cup of coffee and some chocolate rugelach. Just as I finished my last bite, the Shabbos siren blew and I ran off to daven Kabbolos Shabbos at the old age home.

After davening, I returned to my host’s apartment to sleep in a very comfortable bedroom. The next morning I awoke and realized that, despite the fact that they had seven children, there were only two bedrooms, and I was sleeping in one of them! It turned out that they had set up their children’s beds in the living room and the parents had slept in the one remaining bedroom! Embarrassed and overwhelmed by their generosity, I walked out of the living room to wish a good Shabbos and, once again, my hosts insisted I sit down for another cup of coffee. That Shabbos, we spent hours eating, drinking tea and talking about our lives. They were devoted members of the Viznitz community. The father worked as an accountant for the local Chevra Kadisha and his wife was an assistant in the community kindergarten. They were married during the War of Independence and for many years lived in Mea Shearim. About ten years ago they had bought this apartment, and one of their dreams was to have special guests over for Shabbos. I happened to be one of the lucky individuals that would benefit from their kindness and hospitality.

What amazed me the most about this couple was their tremendous sense of happiness and camaraderie. Love seemed to permeate their home and their relationships with the people who happened to enter into their lives.

That Shabbos, I was given a present far greater than a bed to sleep on: a glimpse at the secret of what makes and sustains good marriages. That secret is a commitment to building meaningful relationships, and an overriding desire to do chesed for one another.

I also came away from the experience realizing that people tend to confuse real happiness with temporary pleasure. The line of reasoning is that happiness is dependent upon our ability to purchase comfort. Yet, human experience teaches us that pleasure and happiness are two different things. You can have all the pleasure you desire, yet still not be happy.


Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A., is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To order your copy click here.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

For an appointment, please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

Is Divorce a growing trend in the Orthodox world?

New book explores solution

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A.

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Is divorce a growing trend in the Orthodox world that we need to be concerned about? As the author of a new book, “First Aid For Jewish Marriages,” I believe the answer is yes, and I’m willing to sound the alarm.

For the last ten years I have counseled hundreds of frum couples who are struggling with relationship and commitment issues. Most were by in large “at risk” couples suffering from family problems, mental illness, abuse etc. However, over the last few years, I have begun to see a new trend – one that may threaten the quality of Orthodox Jewish life. Not a day passes by when I don’t hear about a marriage issue or a divorce in the community. Divorce used to be something that happened to “other” people; not “our” family, “our” friends and, even “our” community leaders. Today, it could be a cousin, friend, or someone you know from shul.

Divorce is becoming so common in the frum community that a colleague of mine recently mentioned to me that he stopped giving engagement gifts and preferred to wait until the couple took the final steps to the chupah! These are signs that relationships are becoming harder to solidify and more difficult to maintain.

Take the latest studies on divorce. A recent study called “The Effects of Divorce In America” showed a significant increase in divorce over the last seven decades. The report found that:“In 1935, there were 16 divorces for each 100 marriages. By 1998, the number had risen to 51 divorces per 100 marriages.” In addition, “over a twenty year period the number of divorced Americans rose from 4.3 million in 1970 to 18.3 million in 1996.”

It is true that the Torah community does not share these same statistics; our marriages tend to last longer and the viability of Jewish marriage is one of the great examples of the power and the wisdom of the Torah. However, over the last few years, we are beginning to see a new trend - one that may be difficult to reverse.Why do couples get divorced?

Take Mordechai, 36, and Chani, 35, who were married for six years when they to ask me for advice on how to save their relationship. They seemed to have everything going for them. They were working professionals, successful and upwardly mobile; they shared many common factors including similar religious beliefs, intelligence levels, and were both pleasantly extroverted.Yet, soon after marriage, it was apparent that Mordechai and Chani didn’t get along very well. Little things like the cleanliness of the house, or who made dinner, became mountain-sized issues that were often blown out of proportion. The quality of their relationship was going downhill and their marriage was in crisis. Only six years had passed since their chuppah and they were beginning to feel that they were unequipped to deal with each other’s emotional needs. Instead, they tended to withdraw from one another and were avoiding taking the obvious step of working together to solve their issues.

What was causing their marital stress? Did they share some deeply-rooted negative patterns? Was it a question of personality differences? Did they have trouble managing their anger?

Before I offered them some emotional first aid, I asked them to draw an imaginary circle in the middle of the room, to represent their relationship. I then asked them to take their chairs and sit in the middle of the circle if they were committed to their relationship. My feeling was that if they weren’t able to sit in the circle together, then their marriage would have little chance of succeeding.

I also made it clear to them that, statistically, the overwhelming majority of failed marriages (between two emotionally healthy individuals) end because couples are having trouble building and staying committed to their overall relationship. In fact, many of the negative statistics appearing about marriage boil down to the prevalence of couples losing interest in developing the quality of their marriage.

A 1995 survey examining why marriages end in divorce, found that the lack of commitment to the relationship was the top reason for the growing phenomenon.

Specifically, the survey asked couples who had been divorced to answer the following: “There are many reasons why marriages fail. I’m going to read a list of possible reasons. Looking back at your most recent divorce, tell me whether or not each factor was a major contributor to your divorce. You can say, ‘yes,’ or ‘no,’ to each factor.”The following responses show the percentages of those respondents who answered, “yes,” to each factor that they felt was a major contributor to their divorce:

• Lack of commitment: 87%


• Too much conflict and arguing: 48%


• Financial problems or economic hardship: 31%


• Lack of support from family members: 21%


• Little or no helpful premarital education: 19%


• Domestic violence: 6%/37%/22%
  

The findings of the survey revealed what couples who have experienced divorce perceive: that the lack of commitment was the number one contributing factor to their divorces. Commitment often involves making one’s spouse and relationship a priority, investing in the marriage, and having a long-term view of the relationship.

That’s why the most important issue in marriage needs to be the couple’s focus on the quality of their relationship.

Couples like Mordechai and Chani are a perfect example of a relationship that had migrated onto the back burner. And, as I predicted, after several weeks of counseling, it became apparent that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with this young couple. Neither was particularly high on “control”. Neither of them had a history of serious emotional illness. And both came from parents who were happily married.

Mordechai and Chani needed to learn more about how to negotiate their emotions, how to communicate in a more effective way, and how to begin to recommit to their relationship.So if you’re concerned about your relationship, you need to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you view building the relationship a central principle of your marriage?
2. Do you set aside time each day to nurture your relationship?
3. Do you look for the good qualities in your spouse?
4. Do you appreciate the small, kind acts your spouse does for you on a daily basis?
5. Do you spend time thinking about the good moments, and limit time and energy spent focusing on the bad ones?

Most couples who evaluate their relationship find that the biggest hole in their marriage is the fact that they don’t spend time and effort building their relationship. They allowed themselves to become complacent. Complacency in marriage allows emotional weeds to grow out of control. It catching and it spreads, silently and invisibly, and by the time you realize what is happening, much damage has been done.

I believe that most marriages can work. Often all they need is a little guidance and direction, and when necessary, a bit of emotional first aid.

In “First Aid For Jewish Marriages” I offer practical advice for couples desiring durable and rewarding marriages and offer help for those who want to improve strong marriages as well as those whose marriages are floundering.I believe that “First Aid For Jewish Marriages” is a step in the right direction.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages.

To order your copy click here.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

To schedule an appointment, please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

First Aid For Jewish Marriages – Self Esteem and its Impact on Marriage

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

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Self esteem is one of the most important factors influencing human behavior. Despite what some people believe, self esteem can be a critical issue in marriage, where unresolved identity issues from childhood can place unwanted stress on a relationship.

Low self esteem can be very painful and difficult to overcome. Our sense of self esteem is something we come into the world with, which follows us through life like a shadow. If we lose it, we are lost. If we have we it, we can face all of life's trials and tribulations and maintain our sense of satisfaction and emotional well-being. Most parents understand the role self esteem plays in childhood. When children grow up, we teach them how to take losses in stride and to learn how to win and lose with grace. We teach children that it’s them, and not just their grades, that matter.

Once childhood passes, unresolved self esteem issues can last for a lifetime. For example, in marriages where one person suffers from low self esteem, they may feel that their spouse never properly fulfills their emotional needs. And, where both suffer from feelings of low self esteem, a husband and wife may feel perpetually disappointed in their relationship.

Expectations make this issue even more complex. Married couples tend to enter marriage with the belief that any hurt they may have experienced in the past will now be healed by their spouse. They may also hope that their spouse will somehow make them feel good about themselves and nurture their self image.

A couple once came to talk with me about difficulties they were having in their marriage. The issue that was burning in their minds was the negative behavior of their teenage son. The father found it difficult to parent his rebellious teenager with confidence, and the wife had given up hope in her children and in her marriage as well. Overall, they were both visibly angry at one another, withdrawn and disappointed in their relationship.

I sensed that there were more issues hiding under the surface. After exploring their histories, I discovered a complex history that pointed toward the issue of self esteem. The husband, it turned out, had lost his mother at a young age and was raised by his father, who was too preoccupied with their financial survival to pay much attention to his son’s emotional needs. The wife had also had a very difficult childhood. She grew up with a father who had a temper and would often yell at her without reason. Early on, she had learned how to adapt and "disappear" from the house when he was around.

Years later, these two individuals would continue their childhood patterns and be caught in an endless cycle of emotional turmoil. Here is how the issue of self esteem issues spiraled out of control: whenever he sensed that his wife was not responsive to his emotional needs, he would start yelling at her. His wife, who was mistreated by her father and had learned how to avoid conflict, would physically and emotionally withdraw from him and try to hide from her husband’s rage. This would then intensify his feelings of rejection and make him even angrier.

To break the cycle, I suggested that both husband and wife needed work in the area of self esteem. They could begin by exploring how their childhood traumas were now influencing their present-day behavior. Through becoming aware of these inner issues, they would be better equipped to respond to their deeper emotional wounds and start healing their feelings of rejection and neglect.

Here is a list of childhood family issues that may be interrupting your ability to have a happy marriage as an adult:

Divorce
Learning disabilities
Lack of friendships
Illness
Physical or emotional abuse
A sick parent
A death in the family

There is no doubt that anyone who has experienced a divorce in their family may have feelings of low self esteem. Marital conflict affects people in various ways. Children who are exposed to conflict at home (which tends to coincide with a negative and hostile relationship between the parents) are more at risk for aggression, internalizing by withdrawing, depressive symptoms, and feelings of low self esteem.

Also, an adult who as a child has lost a parent may feel a sense of loss that can carry on for a lifetime. Losing someone at a young age can diminish self-confidence, create feelings of despair, and leave individuals with feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.

Part of the healing process is to become aware of these inner issues and to begin discussing them with one’s spouse. Talking about them in an honest and open way can help them become aware of each other’s feelings of abandonment. Here are some tips on how to nourish each other’s level of self esteem:First Aid Relationship Tips

Highlight positive aspects of their physical, mental, and emotional development, such as the way they look, the way they express their thoughts and feelings, the skills they have, and those they are developing.

Focus on their accomplishments. Congratulate them for their achievements, however big or small. Remind them daily of the things they do well and of the courage they have shown.

Help them to be realistic and accept the fact that, while they aren't perfect at everything, they don't have to be.

Teach them to laugh at past disappointments when they can. Use setbacks as opportunities for insight and growth.

Help them develop a support system of people they trust who will listen when they need to talk.

As the level of self esteem improves, many couples find their ability to have a successful marriage is greatly enhanced.

Relationship Test: Self Esteem

Do you take time to develop your spouse’s self esteem?
1 2 3 4 5
Never—Rarely —Constantly

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A., is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To order your copy click here.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

To schedule and appointment, please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

First Aid For Jewish Marriages – The Road Map to a Happy Marriage

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

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Finding direction in marriage is similar to going on a long journey. To get to where you want to go, you will need to have a plan that includes directions, supplies and someone to navigate along the way. You will also have to be prepared for many possible factors that may interfere with your trip, including wind, rain, unpredictable mechanical breakdown and human error. Most importantly you will need a map to guide you on where to go and how to reorient yourself when you get off track.

Many couples who seek my advice are simply lacking the guidance of a relationship road map in their lives.

Take Shmuel, 25 and Rivky, 23, who came to speak with me about the lack of excitement and enthusiasm in their marriage. They were only married for about six months, but were already feeling that after their smooth walk to the chupah, they were now traveling down a bumpy road to an unknown destination.

From the outset they looked like the perfect couple, well-dressed, articulate and extremely well-educated. All of the excitement surrounding their engagement period and wedding had just about ended. Now, in their sixth month of marriage, they began to feel that they were unequipped to deal with each other’s emotional needs. They were constantly bickering about small things like garbage collection, cooking dinner and cleaning up around the house.

Marriage wasn’t supposed to be so hard. Unable to cope, they started to withdraw from one another, instead of working together to solve their problems. It’s important to note that these were two healthy individuals who had the potential to have a great marriage, but they were lacking a guidebook or emotional GPS that could guide them on how to communicate and gain greater understanding of one another.

This couple’s relationship was clearly going off course. They needed guidance to stay focused on their destination.

To make their job easier, I suggested that they follow an emotional road map based upon what I call “The Four Cs of Relationship Theory”; Connection, Control, Communication, and Conflict Resolution. Together, the Four Cs of Relationship Theory provides a road map to help couples evaluate where the relationship is going, and where and how to make changes if necessary.

Imagine, for example, if Shmuel and Rivky could read each other’s minds and understand what makes them happy or sad; what they are scared about and ways that they like to be cared about.

The Four Cs help couples see the bigger picture, and then make a distinction between the areas that demand attention, and those other matters that are superficial and should not be the focus of their relationship. For example, you may find yourself arguing over small things like cleaning the dishes or doing the laundry. You may also start feeling that your spouse is overly controlling and denies your feelings. Or, you may feel that you are drifting apart and don’t feel as connected as you used to. If so, the question becomes: should you try to be more assertive? Or should you learn more about you spouse’s inner world, increase the amount of quality time you spend together, and carefully work through their issues with them? A look at the Four Cs should provide an answer.

The First “C”: Connecting to Your Spouse’s Inner World

Learning about the total person you are married to is one of the main goals of marriage. As a therapist, I help couples explore both sides of their personalities; their external behavioral characteristics as well as their inner emotional worlds.

It’s important to note, that as human beings, we live in two distinct emotional worlds: an outer world and an inner world. The outer world is merely a façade, an outer layer which covers up our deeper and unseen emotions. The inner world, however, is the place that holds the key to understanding what makes people tick. Regrettably, many couples never learn about the complex and delicate issues in their spouse inner world; they relate only to their outer or external side of their personality.

How in touch are you with your spouse’s inner world? Listed below are common negative behaviors that are based upon underlying “inner” world emotions. Take a few moments to evaluate your awareness of these issues.

Negative behavior: threats, attacks, sarcasm, rudeness —
How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior?
What are their inner feelings?

Negative behavior: defensiveness, shyness, withdrawn, uncommunicative —
How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior?
What are their inner feelings?

Negative behavior: judging, criticizing, disapproving —
How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior?
What are their inner feelings?

Here are some possible answers

Negative behavior: threats, attacks, sarcasm, rudeness —
How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? Obnoxious, hostile, aggressive
What are their inner feelings? Hurt, anxious, embarrassed, fearful

Negative behavior: defensiveness, shyness, withdrawn, uncommunicative —
How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? Rejecting, suspicious, mistrustful, apprehensive
What are their inner feelings? Angry, resentful, insecure, disappointed

Negative behavior: judging, criticizing, disapproving —
How do you perceive your spouse’s behavior? Resentful, bitter, indignant
What are their inner feelings? Overly self-critical, insecure, angry

If you’re good at reading between the lines, you’ll notice that outer expressions of anger and sadness often emerge from inner feelings of insecurity or discontent. Think about the stresses in your life that cause you to be cranky, upset or just miserable to be around. Feelings of rejection are often scrambled in our inner world and then dished out at others who just happen to get in our way. All of us have bad days when we get upset at the people closest in our lives, but we are really just hurt by other circumstances such as getting yelled at by an angry boss, receiving a parking ticket or missing the bus. For a marriage to succeed, you need to know when your wife or husband is just having a bad day or if other “inner world” need are not being met.

Let’s take a look at some of the issues that can guide you through your spouse’s inner world. They include:

Self Esteem
Individuality
Love and Friendship
Control
Spirituality

In the following weeks we will explore these five levels and utilize a new test that can help you identify your level of “relationship” intelligence with your spouse and ways you can improve your marriage.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A., is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To order your copy click here.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

To schedule an appointment, please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

First Aid For Jewish Marriages – Investing In Your Relationship

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

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I often share with my clients a simple yet powerful analogy: to think about their relationship as they do about their bank account. That’s because investing in your relationship is similar to saving money; the more you put into your bank account or relationship, the more you can take out when necessary.

The way to develop your emotional wealth is to invest as much equity as possible, so when the going gets tough, you can dig into your savings and avoid going into the red.

Investing in your relationship takes time and effort and is a challenge for all couples. In my own life, for example, I believe my relationship is so important that my wife and I try to schedule time alone together at least once a week to focus on our relationship. Despite the pressures of our busy lives, we try to creativity make sure we are investing in our marriage. Sometimes we go out to a restaurant to eat or just take a walk down the block together. Other times, we go grocery shopping together or head to the local convenience store in order to enjoy a few minutes alone just schmoozing about our day. When life goes into overdrive and time is limited, we take a “time out” for ourselves, and spend a few minutes in a quiet and secluded room in the home just talking to one another.

It really doesn’t matter what you do or what you talk about during your private times together. What matters most is to give your spouse the feeling that he or she is the most important person in the world.

Of course, the way to build emotional equity in marriage is to make as many deposits as possible. In general, positive statements like complimenting one another, sharing appreciations and speaking kind words are “deposits.” Every time you tell your spouse that you appreciate them, or their actions, you are building more emotional wealth. You can even think of a compliment as a dollar. Imagine how rich you could become if you increase the amount of times per hour you compliment your spouse!

And it’s not just complimenting that works; actions speak louder than words. Helping each other with daily tasks such as shopping for food or just cleaning the house are ways that couples increase their emotional equity with one another. The point is that it doesn’t take a large budget, or a lot of time, to build a relationship. Even the simplest gestures can make a difference in your lives.

The opposite is also true. Couples will deplete their emotional savings by criticizing and exercising external control. Trying to force one another via manipulation or by insulting each other decreases emotional wealth, and can even put some relationships into bankruptcy.

At the end of each month, I suggest that couples take a look and see how their emotional savings account is developing. They should check how many deposits they’ve made and how much was withdrawn. The goal is to become aware of the overall growth of the relationship and to see if it is getting stronger, or needs more nurturing.

The Miraculous Bamboo Tree

One way to illustrate the need to invest in the long term sustainability of your marriage is to look at the miraculous growth pattern of the Chinese bamboo tree.
It seems that this tree when planted, watered, and nurtured for an entire growing season doesn’t outwardly grow as much as an inch. Then, after the second growing season, a season in which the farmer takes extra care to water, fertilize and care for the bamboo tree, the tree still hasn’t sprouted. So it goes as the sun rises and sets for four solid years. The farmer and his wife have nothing tangible to show for all of their labor trying to grow the tree.
Then, along comes year five.
In the fifth year that Chinese bamboo tree seed finally sprouts and the bamboo tree grows up to eighty feet in just one growing season! Or so it seems….
Did the little tree lie dormant for four years only to grow exponentially in the fifth? Or, was the little tree growing underground, developing a root system strong enough to support its potential for outward growth in the fifth year and beyond? The answer is, of course, obvious. Had the tree not developed a strong unseen foundation it could not have sustained its life as it grew. The same principle is true for people. People who patiently toil toward worthwhile dreams and goals, building strong character while overcoming adversity and challenges, grow the strong internal foundation to handle success, while get-rich-quickers and lottery winners usually are unable to sustain unearned sudden wealth.
Had the Chinese bamboo farmer dug up his little seed every year to see if it was growing, he would have stunted the tree’s growth as surely as a caterpillar is doomed to a life on the ground if it is prematurely freed from its struggle inside the cocoon.
Marriage is like a seed that needs planting, watering, weeding and a lot of sunlight. It takes time, effort, patience and skills to make a difference. The challenge facing many couples is that they have not yet learned the practical skills needed to improve their marriage, nor how to invest in their relationship.

So if you’re looking to improve your marriage, here are some which I believe can make a big difference in your lives:

· What have you and your spouse done recently for renewal of your relationship?
· What do you think your spouse would like to do for renewal (soon or in the next year)?
· What would you like to do (soon or in the next year)?
· How often do you REALLY just talk as a couple?
· Why are you in this relationship in the first place?
· What can you do as a couple to bring you closer together?

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A., is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To order your copy click here.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

To schedule an appointment, please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.

First Aid For Jewish Marriages – Why Most Marriages Can Work

By Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA

Mordechai, 36, and Chani, 35, were married for six years and came to ask me for advice on how to save their relationship. They seemed to have everything going for them. They were working professionals, successful and upwardly mobile; they shared many common factors including similar religious beliefs, intelligence levels, and were both pleasantly extroverted.

Yet, soon after marriage, it was apparent that Mordechai and Chani didn't get along very well. Little things like the cleanliness of the house, or who made dinner, became mountain-sized issues that were often blown out of proportion. The quality of their relationship was going downhill and their marriage was in crisis. Only six months had passed since their chuppah and they were beginning to feel that they were unequipped to deal with each other’s emotional needs. Instead, they tended to withdraw from one another and were avoiding taking the obvious step of working together to solve their issues.

On the outside, they seemed to have everything going for them, yet now they had little to show for it.

What was causing their marital stress? Did they share some deeply-rooted negative patterns? Was it a question of personality differences? Did they have trouble managing their anger?

Mordechai and Chani were also scared, because some of their lifetime friends were also experiencing similar difficulties in their marriages, and the prior year, two of them had gotten divorced. They wanted to know if they were heading in the same direction and if there was anything they could do to sustain their marriage.

Before I began to advise them on ways to improve their marriage, I asked them to draw an imaginary circle in the middle of the room, to represent their relationship. I then asked them to take their chairs and sit in the middle of the circle if they were committed to their relationship. If they weren’t able to sit in the circle together, then, I believed, their marriage would have little chance of succeeding.

I also made it clear to them that, statistically, the overwhelming majority of failed marriages (between two emotionally healthy individuals) end because couples are having trouble building and staying committed to their overall relationship. In fact, many of the negative statistics appearing about marriage boil down to the prevalence of couples losing interest in developing the quality of their marriage.

A 1995 statewide survey in Utah, for example, examining why marriages end in divorce, found that the lack of commitment to the relationship was the top reason for the growing phenomenon.

Specifically, the Utah Marriage Survey asked Utahns who had been divorced to answer the following: “There are many reasons why marriages fail. I’m going to read a list of possible reasons. Looking back at your most recent divorce, tell me whether or not each factor was a major contributor to your divorce. You can say, ‘yes,’ or ‘no,’ to each factor.”

The following responses show the percentages of those respondents who answered, “yes,” to each factor that they felt was a major contributor to their divorce:

Men/Women/The Mean

Lack of commitment: 87%/79%/83%
Too much conflict and arguing: 48%/58%/53%
Infidelity or extramarital affairs: 47%/56%/52%
Getting married too young: 39%/43%/41%
Financial problems or economic hardship: 31%/35%/33%
Lack of support from family members: 21%/20%/21%
Little or no helpful premarital education: 19%/29%/24%
Other: 17%/28%/22%
Religious differences between partners: 13%/16%/15%
Domestic violence: 6%/37%/22%

The table clearly reveals what Utahns who have experienced divorce perceive: that the lack of commitment was the number one contributing factor to their divorces. Commitment often involves making one’s partner and relationship a priority, investing in the marriage, and having a long-term view of the relationship.

That’s why the most important issue in marriage needs to be the couple’s focus on the quality of their relationship.

Couples like Mordechai and Chani are a perfect example of a relationship that had migrated onto the back burner. And, as I predicted, after several weeks of counseling, it became apparent that there was nothing fundamentally wrong with this young couple. Neither was particularly high on “control”. Neither of them had a history of serious emotional illness. And both came from parents who were happily married.

Mordechai and Chani needed to learn more about how to negotiate their emotions, how to communicate in a more effective way, and how to begin to recommit to their relationship.

So if you’re concerned about divorce and looking for real growth in your marriage, you’ll need to plant your emotional roots and ask yourselves the following questions:

1. Do I view building the relationship a central principle of my marriage?

2. Do I set aside time each day to nurture my relationship?

3. Do I look for the good qualities in my spouse?

4. Do I appreciate the small, kind acts my spouse does for me on a daily basis?

5. Do I spend time thinking about the good moments, and limit time and energy spent focusing on the bad ones?

Most couples who evaluate their progress find that the biggest hole in their marriage is the fact that they don’t spend time and effort building their relationship. They allowed themselves to become complacent. Complacency in marriage allows emotional weeds to grow out of control. It catching and it spreads, silently and invisibly, and by the time you realize what is happening, much damage has been done.

It is so easy to fall into a daily routine, fueled by responsibilities, so that people forget what relationships are all about. With so much to do each day, and without the need to plan to tune into each other, relationships tend to be pushed to the back, treated as something that doesn’t need to be attended to, and left to just bumble along. Often we fail to make time for our spouses. Or when we do, it’s often merely consists of stolen moments at the end of a long, hard day, when we lack the energy to show how much we truly love and appreciate each other, and we are just too tired to have any fun.

When spouses begin to feel neglected, they often start by making a subtle plea — a gentle reminder that they feel they aren’t important any more, and that they feel unloved and undervalued.

Yet, all it takes is those small gestures — nothing fancy — just small and thoughtful little gestures that show love, respect and affection for each other. Such gestures are an indication that a husband or wife still appreciates their marriage, their relationship, and the life they have together.

If you want to save your marriage, or make a good marriage great, my advice is to make your relationship with your spouse your top priority. Let them see that they are valuable and precious, and that above all, they and their feelings come first. Compliments should be regular: not a thing of the past or of just occasional mention, and not something that you believe is no longer required. Make sure your spouse knows that you appreciate them, respect them, love them and admire then, and above all, make sure that they know that you want to be with them forever.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, M.A., is author of First Aid For Jewish Marriages. To order your copy click here.

Rabbi Schonbuch is a Marriage and Family Counselor and maintains a practice in Brooklyn, specializing in marriage counseling and families with teens at risk.

For an appointments please call 646-428-4723 or email rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.